Sigh

Okay okay. I only write stuff when I'm not feeling well. Don't think I'm like this 24/7.

...it was funny, yet horrible. Still I watched the whole thing. I had to. I said I would. But I could not deny it hurt me, and even frightened me. People scare me, that's nothing new. I only wondered when they had started scaring me from a simple video? Maybe it was because these where strangers to me, but not to her. These are people who are close to her, closer -as I realised watching it, though I wish I hadn't, because the truth sometimes hurt- closer to her, than even me.
What do I still mean in her life?
Nothing. An eternal nothing tortures my mind. Nothing, you mean nothing to her anymore. She doesn't need you anymore.
Do I still need her?
Stuff didn't look too good for me back in September. I completely shut down, remaining silent during recess, even wishing for the classes to start again, every day.
But slowly, I started to befriend some people. I can have fun with them now, every day.
However, they are still nothing but fair-weather friends, I would never trust them with my fears, my incertainties. Neither do they trust me in that way.
Do they share my interests, opinions, dreams?
No.
Neither does she.
But I love her, and I need her.
As a friend, as a best friend.
I should count my blessings, be grateful for what I have, and I am, I swear I am.
But is it too much to ask for at least some people who I could share my life with?
She has those people, everyone has.
So why can't I?
Yeah, why can't I? Social skills are something you can't learn from books.
That pretty much explains everything.
Doing great at school, but failing in everyday social life.
And still I depend too much on her, like an addict, like a parasite.
I should let her go, let her live her life.
But I can't live without her, fuck, I can't.
She doesn't need me. I know. That's allright.
I am the problem.
My own worst friend, my own closest enemy.

Looking at the future, I see how I will grow into a bitter old woman, someone who has never known love from a man, and only sees love in the form of cats. I will die, surrounded by 4 of them. No one will notice, but they will wail and weep, and they will also die after a while, being the only ones mourning me, my only left friends. I will be 90 something. All my old friends will be long dead and gone, having lived and loved. I was left behind, only to grow more bitter and frustrated every time the day turned into twilight and the night turned into dawn.
After 2 weeks they will find my rotten body, they will cover their faces trying to defend theirselves from the smell of death filling the air. My funeral will be as lonely and hollow as my life was. There will be no music, no tears.They will bury me in a wooden coffin and there will be no flowers on my grave, no one paying attention. Slowly my body will start to fall apart, until there's nothing left of me but some bones, and eventually, these will also fade away, until I finally am what I was always supposed to be: Nothing.