Angry and let down

...happiest blog title EVER.

Okay. I have no idea if everything I'm feeling right now (which is not too much actually) will come out as I intend it to. I mean, I was never good at putting my thoughts into words. Which means I suck at it. Let's start at the start.

No, then we'd have to start 15 somewhat years ago, my birth.
But let's go back in time 1 month ago.
I heard about the line-up for Pukkelpop, an annual festival in Belgium, this year.
There were some bands that appealed to me, and I thought "Let's ask my best friend if she's going!!"
50 percent because I actually wanted to go to that festival, 50 percent because I had to keep my promise of going to a festival this summer, a promise I made 2 years ago, when I was still under the illusion that by 15, I'd already have a place to belong to and a bunch of like-minded friends.
Anyway.
So I texted her, asking "Do you have anything to do the 18th of August?"
She texted back: "Pukkelpop xx"
I asked her if she was really going, she said yes.
She said she was already going, with some friends.
At that moment, I didn't really understand the meaning behind those words.
So, we arranged we were going to Pukkelpop.

I was really, really happy. The first actual festival I would be going too! With my best friend!
The next day, I ordered my tickets. One for me, one for my dad.
My best friend said she would order hers as soon as possible, but that she first had to arrange Graspop, a metal festival that she desperately wanted to go to. I was okay with that, but I warned her that she didn't have to wait too long, before it was sold out.
Meanwhile, I finally realised she had said "I'm already going with some friends"
Meaning, she asked those friends before she even thought of asking with me.
I was feeling...pissed...let down...abandoned, even.
Why would she aks those people before she asked me, her so-called best friend?
Did she think she wouldn't have fun with me around?
Didn't she WANT me to go with her to that festival?
I ignored all those questions, because I was so happy I was going to Pukkelpop this year, finally!

Last weekend or so, I heard on the radio the tickets were sold out. I rushed to my cellphone, thinking "Oh god, say she's already got her tickets, please let her already have her tickets"
What did I expect.
I was angry.
I was so, fucking, fucking angry.
I still am.
I warned her several times that she couldn't wait too long, because it would sell out.
Apparantly, Graspop means more to her.
Fine.
Really, I can't blame her for preferring to go to Graspop with her friends rather than going to Pukkelpop with me. I mean, last year, she was very depressed, she didn't enjoy her life too much, but now, she's living a completely different life. She has a ton of friends, she goes to a concert every week, and she loves every single minute of it. She mostly abandoned her old life, which is great, and I'm really happy for her.
Too bad I'm part of her old life.
I really wish I could just let her go, enjoy her life, instead of bothering her with all my stupid problems.
But fuck, she's the only one I have, the only one I can trust.
Without her, I'm nothing.
I feel so guilty for being a chain that keeps her from living her life the way she wants it, but at the same time, is it so wrong that I want to have a life as well?
Because, let's not try to hide it, I have very, very few friends. There's 10 something people at my school who I really like and love, but I'm not sure if all of them are real friends. Most of them are just fair-weather friends. They're only there to have fun. Outside school, I have no friends at all. Just my best friend. Who's completely independent from me whatsoever.
For me, it's different. I depend on her for EVERYTHING. While she can go out with friends, I can't. I never come out of my house to do anything, except for when it's something with her.
Slowly, I can feel I'm losing her.
I can feel the distance between us growing every day.
And now this.

Immediately, my parents said "go with someone else then!"
I. Don't. Fucking. Have. Anyone. Else.
And then they started getting all angry at me for depending on her so much, for not being able to have fun without her, for having no friends beside her.
They're right, of course.
I'm sorry, but I'm a social failure.
"How comes Ophelia can go to a concert and know 50 people there, while you're always alone?"
I'm sorry mom.
I'm not Ophelia.
I'm sorry.
So, now I'm going to Pukkelpop all alone. With my dad.
Great.
Awesome.
Oh, how I am going to have a bunch of fun!

And I thought I was going to have fun with her.
I want to be so angry at her, but I can't.
When I'm texting her, I always fail to express the anger and feeling of being let down that I really feel.
I can't even write it here.
The problem is, this brought up the familiar problem, me not having any friends or any group to belong to.
My parents even suggested going on facebook.
Like that would help.
I'm useless, sorry.
My social life is a mistake, a joke.

I just wished I knew all this before I wasted 160 euros on fucking Pukkelpop.
What am I going to do now?
Walking around there, all by myself?
Witnessing how all the other young people have tons of fun with all their friends?
Feeling so goddamn lonely?
Being just completely bored?
Yay.

I was looking forward to it so much, I was so happy I could go to Pukkelpop with my best friend.
And now I just wish I could sell my ticket to someone else.

In the car, just a few hours ago, my dad went mad at me.
Saying I should make some friends.
Saying I should find a place to belong to.
Saying that it's all my own fault.
Basically, saying what I already knew: I fail in social life.
If it weren't for school, I wouldn't even HAVE a social life.
And it sucks.
I mean, there's no need to get angry with me
Does he think I'm happy being like this?
Does he think I ENJOY being alone all the time?!
Does he think I don't WANT to meet like-minded people?
Does he think this is a choice or what?
No dad, I don't fit in anywere.
Yes dad, I know, everyone else can do it.
But I am not everyone else.
How I wish I were.
I can't make friends.
I've never been able to anyway.
Did it seriously take you 15 years to figure that one out?
I will probably die alone.
I can just picture myself dying at 80, thinking about all the stuff I was supposed to do in my youth,
but missed because I can't seem to be able to make any friends.
I thought it would change,
but it doesn't.
Every day I'm growing more bitter, frustrated and disenchanted.
Every day I'm growing older, and I'm not having any fun.
I'm just here.
Alone.
In my claustrophobic room.
Locked up inside these 4 walls.
Staring at a computer screen.
And I can't even have fun on the internet.
It's awfully depressing when I see my contacts list on msn, or on my cellphone. Less than 30 people, and no one's ever online.
No one ever starts speaking to me.
Unless they need something.
Because I'm doing great at school.
BECAUSE I HAVE NO LIFE.
Seriously.
I get better grades than ever, because I'm also more lonely and bored than ever.
I've got nothing else to do.
I get up.
Eat.
Go to school.
Come back from school.
Do my homework.
Eat.
Play bass.
Stare at my computer screen for 2 hours straight, doing absolutely nothing.
Go to bed.
End.
I know there should be something fun in my day schedule, but it's missing.
There's this awful lack.

Maybe it's not all that bad. Maybe my crazy biology teacher is happy.
She's all alone.
Never got married.
Never has any fun.
Gives her students tons of work to do, so she can correct it, to spend her time a little.
She's got nothing better to do.
She's probably bitter.
She's everything I will probably be in 40 years.
But like I said, maybe it's not that bad.
I mean, maybe she's happy.

Sigh.

So, I'm going to Pukkelpop alone with my dad because I don't have any friends to come with me.
That pretty much sums it up.

I'm still waiting for my life to begin.

I probably will still be waiting for it when I'm 80.

Maybe, one day, someone comes up to me and open the door to my life.
Like, without doing it because he feels sorry for it.
Just, comforting me out of free will.
I dream about that every night.

But dreams are just dreams.

There are still things I like

Everyone better believe it. It's true, when I'm being asked what makes me happy, I have to think about it for a way too long time. It's not like I'm walking around completely depressed all day, absolutely not, but I'm feeling pretty average these days. I guess it's some kind of teenage personality crisis. I don't know who I am anymore, or who I want to be. I don't even want to think of the person I will be 10 years from now. That often scares me. When I try to psychoanalyze myself, I can only come to the conclusion that it is the way it is because I'm turning 16 in December, and even when I was still a little kid, I imagined myself being a completely different, more enjoyable person at 16. But now that I feel that age coming, I feel as if I've failed. I feel like I've let the 8-year old me down. And that led to this, what are we going to call it,  mild personality crisis. Which makes me very uncertain about what I still like and what truly makes me happy. Not too long ago, this would have been easy to answer, but everything's kind of blurry these days.

But yesterday, we had the annual 'picnic in the park' day at my school, when we get to wear normal clothes (instead of our dull brown uniforms) and we all eat sandwiches in our park. There's usually a really good atmosphere on that particular day. Everyone seems happier,friendlier. People were playing games, enjoying the weather, and listening to the school band playing a song. Traditionally, everyone sits on the meadow in their own little and bigger groups of friends. But the little boy, the gifted one who’s always meditating on the bridge, was sitting all alone, quietly eating his sandwich. Having forgot to put on normal clothes, this added up to the whole feeling of loneliness that his figure expressed. The grassfield seemed huge compared to him, while he seemed so tiny. Some kind of instinct (Hell, do I know where I got it) gave me the feeling that I had to protect the boy, I HAD to. I felt as if I had to protect him like he’s my own son. So I discussed it with my friends, and though most of them were against it, two others agreed on inviting the boy to our group. We knew he wouldn’t take offense, because in an earlier experience, we were sitting on the bridge in the park, quite close to him, but not talking to him, and this guy Wolf (Not a nickname, that’s the guy’s actual name) suddenly sat next to him, coming completely out of nowhere. The little boy moaned and crept closer to his friend, who was with him, and muttered something about ‘negative energy’. He stood up and went away. The Wolf-guy didn’t know what just had happened “Did I just do that?” We always thought the boy didn’t like us sitting close to him, but that he just didn’t dare to tell us, but from that experience, we learned that we didn’t bother him, if we did, he would just have gotten up and gone away, like he did with Wolf.

So we offered him to join us, and he was like “Well, okay, I don’t mind”. So we brought him with us and introduced him to the group, after which we just talked to our friends. The boy never interrupted us, but every once in a while a high, cute giggle reminded us he was still there. Slowly, the ice kind of broke for the boy, and he started to join our conversations, telling stories and making us laugh. He looked as if he had a good time, and I felt happy because we’d taken him out of his loneliness. We stood up for the guy, and showed his classmates (he’s in 7^th grade) that even if they think he’s a freak, 10^th graders like him, which is something I know some of his classmates envy.

After a while, it was just me talking to him, telling him stories, listening to his. I got a great feeling out of this, a feeling that felt like I hadn’t experienced it in a while. It felt just so right. He turned out to be extremely funny, and not at all ‘socially handicapped’ as some people describe him. I think he just hasn’t got the chance to prove himself yet, to show that he’s fun to hang out with, because they have all these weird thoughts about him. Everyone gives up on him before they get to know him, because he’s kind of a loner, the vegetarian kid who sits alone and meditates. He’s just a misunderstood young boy, really. I recognized a lot of myself in him, because when I was in primary school, I was a lot like that myself. People avoided me because I was ‘the weird one’, never understanding me. In the end it turned out they didn’t understand me because I was’ intellectually at a higher level’ than they were, which caused them not understanding me and my interests and thoughts and stuff. This seems strange to say, but it’s just  like that. They couldn’t understand me and my weird thoughts. I guess that’s exactly what happened to the little boy, considering his IQ of 150. When we were talking, I recognized so much of my primary-school-self in him, I randomly told the boy loads and loads of stories and stupid facts about myself, and so did he.

Afterwards, I felt very surprised by my actions. You see, usually, when I meet someone new, I’m very shy and quiet, and there’s no way I would ever be the first one to start talking. But my little chatter with the boy suddenly remembered me of another character treat of mine, one that I had almost begun to forget. I have always been shy and clumsy when I meet someone new, but in the past, once the ice was broken, once I felt some sort of connection with the other person, I started talking. And talking. There was no end to it. It’s been such a long time since I’ve had that kind of immediate trust in someone and I start telling stories to that strangers that I almost forgot I could do that. I think the last time it happened was 2 years ago in the summer. Most of the time I’m just quiet and people think I’m weird or that I don’t like them because I don’t speak, but really, I’m just too scared, because there isn’t a connection and the ice is still deeply frozen. The boy brought this piece of me up again, which I’m very grateful for. He remembered me of how innocent I was in the past, and how, despite my shyness, I could still make friends through my excessive talking when they were, somehow, able to break through my wall of shyness. Nowadays I strengthened the wall, so it’s almost impossible to just break through it without trying (and no one finds me interesting enough to try), and I hardly make any new friends. The boy was, unconsciously, able to reach me, which I think is amazing. It felt so good, so right. Seeing the boy, who’s usually so lonely and not exactly cheerful, having fun, and having fun myself, that’s what makes me happy.

Fish' IQ

That was the only blogtitle my über-creative mind could come up with. Fish.

Anyway, I'll keep my blog nice and short today

-I always write way too long blogs-

Anyway, a few days ago, everything started of pretty boring.
Well, English was quite fun, we had to do some exercises in pairs and I had to work together with this girl, who's extremely shy and quiet, but she can also be extremely hilarious. She has the most infectuous laugh EVER.
So I was reading one topic, which was something like; "You and your boyfriend have been fighting all day. You have been shouting at him and now you feel sorry for what you've said. What would you do?" And she was like "What? What?" so I let her read the thing, and she was like "Shooting? Schieten? Schieten op u lief?" - "Annelies, you have to speak English!" - "Shooting? At your..boy...friend?"
hahahahahhaha
I almost pissed myself
just the whole situation, with her quite bad mixture of Dutch and English (because she's not very good at English) and how she thought it was 'shooting' instead of 'shouting'
I couldn't stop laughing. xD

anyway.

We were sitting next to the little boy from my previous blog again today, and we were randomly talking about IQ's, because a friend of mine got hers tested once and the result was an IQ of 128, but because of her low grades, nobody believes her so everyone mockes her all day ("oh, miss 'highly-intelligent", how much did you get on your test? 4,75 out of 15? Highly intelligent huh?").

You're only officially highly intelligent from 130, so they have no point, and it's not like school results always reflect intelligence whatsoever.

So when were talking about it, and I asked Lotte, another friend of ours, what her IQ was, because I know she's gifted as well, and she answered "oh, 146" And I was like "146?! SERIOUSLY?"
and then the little boy raised his head (he had been meditating the whole time again) and quietly said "150" with his little cute smile. The boy's just adorable. I just can't believe all his classmates think he's a freak. I mean, he can completely block out the world when he's meditating, AND he's given up meat and sweets. How many 12-year olds can do that?

It kind of made me wonder what my IQ could be. Probably just 100 or something. Nothing special.

School Sucks

Yeah-Tell us something new.

Allright. So yesterday I had to go to school on my bike. I hate my bike. Or the bike hates me. We don't get along very well. It's quite okay in the morning though, because it's downhill all the way to my school. I still arrive all messy and sweat anyway. When I arrived at my school, it was 8:05 am. That's the hour I usually leave my house, so I was there like, 25 minutes too early. Quite a sucky start, I could've slept some more during those 1500 seconds. When the bell rang, I head off towards the Pavilion (the 'center' of my school, they stole it from the World expo in Brussels in '58. Seriously, they did. They took the whole building and put it next to the 'castle', the oldest part of my school, which used to be an actual castle, but don't expect too much of it, it's quite an ugly building. The biggest part of it is occupied by the 5 nuns who still live there). So anyway, right when I got there, I realised "Oh fuck, they put our lockers in the 'recreationroom' (Don't even ask why it's called that way, there's not much recreation going on there) which is on the other side of the school, why not. So I hurried to my locker, and on my way the first bell signal for the start of classes ran, and I crossed my religion teacher. My first class was religion, so I quickly took my books out of my locker, and ran towards my classroom with the speed of light. I got there and everyone was still standing outside, waiting for the teacher, and when she arrived, we all went inside. The bitch started her lesson with "All of you get a note in your school diaries, because you weren't standing in your line in the pavilion. (she's the only teacher who applies this rule, waiting for the teacher in a line) I thought, shit, I already got 3 notes, now I have to go see the principal. But I can live with it, everyone gets a note anyway. Then that woman announced "Oh and Shari, you have a second note, you were to late." I was like, "Uhm, no, actually, I wasn't." And she said, Oh yeah, you were, you were still in the hallway after the 1st bell signal. Bullshit. The rules is we have to be in our class before the seconds, but not immediately after the 1st, I was in the class together with the rest, they can all confirm that. But I didn't complain, the stupid hag hates me already, since I started a fight with the rest of my class during her lesson, saying that I'm not immature, I just think like a 15year old, and not like a fucking 40 year-old sycophant pusher like the rest of my class. She wasn't too happy with me insulting all my classmates, that woman. I did answer her, "Come on, then I will have 5 notes, whereof I got 4 from you! What does that mean?!" Like, is it me or that teacher?  So, my day started with 2 notes and a guaranteed visit to my favorite person on earth, the principal. Oh, how I love that woman.
Then, during English class, a lot of us didn't bring the new unit of our workbooks, so the English teacher went all apeshit and announced; "I'M NOT GIVING LESSONS TODAY!!!" I was like, okay, I can live with that, but then he said, and all of you who didn't bring their stuff, you have to copy all the vocabulary. I was like, "How am I supposed to do that? I don't have my stuff." So he wanted to give me his own vocabulary pages, but right in the middle of giving it to me, he changed his mind, threw them on the floor, and yelled: "Well, GO GET THEM IF YOU WANT THEM GODDAMMIT" I thought, wow, someone's grumpy today. Anyway, then he brought one of the old '90s-styled televisions we have in our school into our class, and said, all of you who have their stuff with them, go sit here, in front of the video. All the rest, you can't watch it. I laughed out loud, it was so goddamn ridiculous. Then, when I was done copying all the vocabulary, I dared to look up to the video, and the mad guy said "SHARI YOU CAN'T WATCH IT, YOU DID NOT BRING YOUR STUFF!!" Okay...how mental can you be? I thought it was rather pathetic and funny. What a hilarious monday that was.

And today, 1 of my friends had to go to the beloved principal to do her assignment (she had to learn an English poem by heart) and another one went with her, and 2 others still had to make their homework during recreation, so basically, I was alone during the lunch recreation. Which sucked. So I went to look for Raphael, another friend of mine, and he was sitting with some people, some of them friends of mine, others more like strangers to me. Because I didn't feel like hanging out with those people, I asked "Hey, have you seen Lotte and Elise (the 2 friends who went to the principal) and one of them, a girl who I don't know too well, said, "Oh yeah, I've seen them pass, they went right over there, next to the bushes" so I was like, okay, and started walking towards the bushes, when I suddenly heard a little giggle and saw them all laughing at me. I felt quite bad, I thought, oh no, really, this again? Because that kind of stuff happened to me a lot in the past, people making fun of me that way, and in this case, some of my 'friends' actually participated. I know it's not quite a big deal, but it happens/happened to me so much that it makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me, why does everybody want to make fun of me and laugh at me? It's been going on all my life, in both friendly and very hostile ways. So I went inside again, walking around all lonely and stuff, and there was this little boy sitting on the bridge, staring down, and I just felt so broken inside. Just seeing that young boy, sitting there, all alone, staring at the ground, made me feel so let down and betrayed by the world. Why is the world such a cruel place that people can just walk past that little boy, still a child, without caring? Without even looking at him? Or looking at him, and ignoring it? It made me feel so sad and angry. But, bad person that I am, I didn't really do anything either. I felt so ashamed and mad at myself for not having the guts to start talking to that boy. I'm not quite a sociable person, and talking to complete strangers always makes me feel very, very uncomfortable. So I just couldn't find the strenght to come up to that boy and start talking to him, and I felt so bad and guilty. My heart just bled when I saw him sitting there, such a cute, innocent being, he doesn't deserve being so lonely. So I talked about it to Michiel, a friend of mine, and he said, well, maybe the boy chooses to be alone. Maybe he doesn't mind." and I was like, god, Michiel, how can you be so heartless? I had seen the boy walking around before, without anyone to talk to, without anyone to laugh with, I mean, how could he possibly CHOOSE to be so goddamm lonely? Luckily, the 2 friends came back from their visit to the principal, and they felt like cheering the boy up a little. So we came over to him and sat next to him. He didn't even look at us. I was like "Uhm, hi, what's your name?" But he kept staring down and remained silent. So Lotte tried "Are you in 7th grade? In which class are you?" But he still didn't reply, nothing about him showed that he even heard us. I though "What are we doing wrong? Maybe we're bothering him? Maybe he doesn't want to talk to us? Maybe we scare him? Maybe he just wants to be left alone?" So Lotte asked "Are we bothering you? Tell us if we have to leave?" But the little guy stayed in the same position he had been sitting in all the time, with his eyes closed and with his little head bowed down. Some 8th graders passed by. "What the fuck are you doing? Do you really think the guy will respond, to YOU? He never says anything, he's MEDITATING (they said it in a really mean, sarcastic way), he doens't mind being alone, he's a bit crazy we think, he doesn't answer or anything, he won't even look at us, the little freak. Just leave him alone!" And I thought like, WTF. How can you be so mean? The boy can hear you! (Well that's what we thought at that moment) and the way they were saying it, like we were doing something ridiculous and hopeless. So I looked at Elise and Lotte, and thought, "No way. We're not leaving." And then all of a sudden the little boy 'woke up', looked next to him, saw Lotte, looked completely confused, like he didn't realise we were there. Lotte said we had been there for 10 minutes talking to him. The boy smiled, the cutest smile ever, trust me. Looking up, the sun made his whole face light up and he looked so beautifully perfect, with his bright eyes and cute smile. I asked (in the most friendly way I could) what he was meditating about, and he answered in this really shy, sweet voice, but I couldn't understand a word he said. Oh well. Then we asked him some more questions, how he likes it at school and stuff, just normal questions, and he answered them all with this adorable smile. Then Lotte asked what we all were wondering about: "So you really didn't hear anything we said to you while you were meditating?" and he answered, "Well, once I reach a certain point, I can't hear what's going on around me anymore" We were shocked. We could never do that, meditating in the middle of that bridge, with all the people passing by, and even reaching that trance-like point. I really admire the little boy for being able to do that. Seriously, I could never, ever do something like that. Then the bell rang and we said goodbye and went inside, but I couldn't keep my thoughts of that intriguing little boy. He's the most beautiful being on earth, believe me. Such a pure creature. Just the way he talked and smiled and all, he seemed so perfect, he lacked the certain ugliness all humans have, he didn't seem to have any signs of anger or hatred in him. Maybe it's the meditating. I was amazed. I felt just so happy and blissful about the existence of such a magical little boy. When I told my friend Michiel all about it, he just rudely said, "See, the guy's crazy. He wants to be alone. He's probably authistic or something." I was shocked. I know he's highly intelligent (my brother, who's also in 7th grade, told me that) but I don't believe he's really authistic at all, when he was talking to us, he was just a normal 12-year old boy, he didn't seem authistic at all. There's a few authists at my school, and I can ensure you, that little boy isn't like that. And what if he is? The most brilliant minds that have ever lived were probably authistic, with the Asperger syndrome. I mean, look at Einstein. To me, the little boy is my hero. He really made my day. I just hope he won't grow as bitter and disenchanted as all the other people do, I want him to stay this pure, innocent and perfect.